Second Chances

Remember me?

I took the entire summer off from blogging and finally realized how much I miss it.  It was a busy summer and now that things have settled down a bit, I'm back.

An update in a nutshell...Peanut turned 6 at the beginning of the summer.  It was the best summer I have ever had (and the hottest!).  We played outside, we saw fireworks, we went to festivals, we went camping and we moved in with the Gentleman.  

It has been a bit of an adjustment but not nearly as difficult as I thought it would be.  Peanut doesn't remember ever having to listen to two adults in the house.  The Gentleman has never lived with anyone.  I've lived alone for the last two years and forgot what it's like to do someone else's laundry.  (If that's the biggest adjustment I need to make, then I'm doing pretty good.)  Honestly, everything has been great.

As great as it's been, I still have my moments of second-guessing.  There's no reason for me to second-guess anything but it's just my nature.  I sometimes wonder if I should have moved without finding a new job.  The commute to my old job was entirely too far but I wanted Peanut to start at his new school right away...I think it would been much harder on him had he transferred once the school year began.  The Gentleman assures me that everything will be okay financially and it has been.

I also second-guess if I should have moved in without at least being engaged first.  This is my own issue because of how I grew up.  My mom and I lived with her boyfriend for 10 years.  He had promised to marry her and never did.  However, I need to realize that just because that happened to someone else, it won't happen to me.  But I still have that nagging feeling of "what if it does?"  There's nothing I can do to get rid of that little voice and I think it will always be there until the Gentleman does propose.  It's an awful feeling to have though.  The Gentleman has never given any indication that he won't marry me.  In fact, it's just the opposite.  We've talked about our future numerous times.  I believe every word he says to me but there will always be a tiny part of me that keeps my guard up because that's what I do.  I know it's not right and I know I need to just have faith about it. 

I think about all the second-guessing that I do and I realize it's not because I'm scared of the future.  I'm scared of repeating my past.  I have to realize that this time is different.  Everything is different.  Not just my relationship but the relationship I see between Peanut and the Gentleman.  They are amazing together.  The way they sit together while watching TV.  The conversations between them.  The way Peanut always wants to help the Gentleman with something around the house.  By no means does the Gentleman try to replace Peanut's dad but their interaction is just much different.  The Gentleman is this wonderful extra person in Peanut's life and I am so lucky to have them both in mine.

I know I need to stop the second-guessing because there's no reason for it.  Everything happens for a reason and everything is happening just as it should be.  Every relationship that the Gentleman and I have been through before happened so we could be together.  Every mistake we ever made happened with someone else so we couldn't make it in our relationship.  And every moment that hasn't happened yet...it will happen so we have our own special moments together. 

 

I shouldn't waste my time second-guessing because I've been given something very special.  A second chance in my life and I want to enjoy every moment of it.  

The Next Step

I promised I was going to blog more.  Huge fail.  In my defense, I've been very busy.  Honest.

In the last month Peanut finished his kindergarten season of soccer, Peanut's dad and the Gentleman met, I celebrated Mother's Day, I ran my first 5K of the year, the Gentleman and I decided we would move in together, and I went camping for the first time.  Not necessarily in that order, however.

Yes...you read that correctly.  Peanut and I are moving in with the Gentleman.  

A very lengthy conversation took place and when I mean lengthy, I mean 4 days.  Pros and cons were weighed and Peanut's feelings were the main deciding factor in all of this.  Granted, we've only been together for a little over six months but realized if it's going to happen eventually, why delay happiness?  The happiness and love I have with the Gentleman is unlike anything I have ever experienced before.  Knowing that he also genuinely loves Peanut makes it that much better.

Peanut's dad is totally accepting of the situation.  I had expected an argument and was completely surprised when he said "I just want you to be happy."  Peanut is ecstatic; every day he asks something like "will a U-Haul truck come?" or "can I help paint my new room?"

Over the next few months, I will have so much to do and I will try to blog when I can.  Peanut's birthday and kindergarten graduation are within the next week.  I need to pack up a house that I've lived in for seven years and also find a new job.  I need to register Peanut for his new school, after-school care, and extracurricular programs.  Most importantly...I will be preparing for the next step in my new life.  I've waited a long time for this happiness and have finally found it.

It Will Be Better

I've been slacking.  Big time.  Lately, I've been starting all of my posts with that and I truly apologize.  

I started this blog for my own therapeutic reasons.  I was getting divorced at the age of 30 and felt so alone.  I felt like no one could really relate to what I was going through but I needed to get everything off my chest.  I started blogging about the sad parts of my life.

I slowly learned I wasn't alone.

I learned that there were many other women out there who were scared like me.  Women who were scared to leave what others deemed a happy marriage.  Women who were scared to become single moms.  Women who were scared to start over again.

I slowly learned it's not so scary.

It hasn't always been easy but it got easier.  And as it got easier, I started blogging less.  I stopped blogging as much because I felt like I didn't need the therapy of writing.

But maybe someone needs the therapy of reading.

Maybe someone out there needs to know that life after divorce does eventually get better.  It gets better when you find happiness within yourself and not from anyone else.  When you find that happiness by yourself, then you can see if you can find it with another person.

 

I believe I've finally found that happiness with someone else.  I found it with someone when I wasn't even looking for it.  It's the kind of happiness that I've never had before.

 

You know how you can just look into your child's eyes and be overcome with an unexplainable amount of love and happiness?  That's how I feel when I look at the Gentleman and I've never felt that with another man before - not even Peanut's dad.  

So I need to blog more.  I need to share the happy parts of my life and not just the sad ones that I have overcome.  For those of you going through divorce or are becoming single parents, I need you to know...it will all be better eventually.  Maybe not tomorrow.  Maybe not six months from now.

But eventually - it will.

Family Time

I checked an item off the relationship bucket list - first vacation.  It was only for a long weekend and the Gentleman's family was also there (Peanut was with his dad) but let me tell you this: a) a long weekend in Florida is the longest vacation I've had in years and b) I love the Gentleman's family almost as much as I love the Gentleman.

They have welcomed me and Peanut with open arms.  I'll admit that at first I was a little unsure as to how they would feel about me being divorced with a child.  As the months have gone by I've realized they love me and accept me for who am I just like their son has.  The Gentleman's mother is the type of woman that you pray to  have as your mother-in-law.  (Not to jump the gun but she really is).

Peanut and I were lucky to spend even more time with the Gentleman's family for Easter.  We met a few members of the extended family and more than once I was greeted with "I've heard so much about you!"  To hear someone say that made me grin ear to ear.

The only thing that made me happier was seeing Peanut and the Gentleman together.  Watching them hold hands while walking or playing together makes me feel something I've never felt.  Sure, my heart melted a few times when I was still married to Peanut's dad and I would watch them but this is different.  Peanut and the Gentleman weren't born with love for each other.  They've chosen it. 

PS - I've been nominated again this year for the Top 25 Single Moms Blogs!  Click here to cast your vote daily. Voting ends on April 18 at 4pm PST.

The Right Reasons

I think I may have had a small case of writer's block lately. Paired with my wacky Internet service at home (I'm currently typing this from my phone. No fun.) not to mention an injured hand and I have been a huge blogger fail.

But I'm still here and the happiest I've been in years. I'm finally in a relationship for the right reasons. It's not because I want to be in a relationship...it's because I want to be in a relationship with the Gentleman. It's not about not wanting to sit home on a Friday night; it's about wanting to sit home with the Gentleman. It's not about wanting to share something with just anybody; it's about wanting to share my life with the Gentleman. There is a huge difference between the two and I believe that a fulfilling relationship can only happen when you know the difference.

Next week, I'm going on a mini-vacation with the Gentleman AND his family (Peanut will be with his dad). I can barely remember the last time I was on vacation so I'm really looking forward to it. Not only because I'll have 4 days of relaxation but I'll have 4 days with the man that has helped make me happy again.

The best part is that Peanut realizes how happy I am. And he's pretty happy too.