I took the entire summer off from blogging and finally realized how much I miss it. It was a busy summer and now that things have settled down a bit, I'm back.
An update in a nutshell...Peanut turned 6 at the beginning of the summer. It was the best summer I have ever had (and the hottest!). We played outside, we saw fireworks, we went to festivals, we went camping and we moved in with the Gentleman.
It has been a bit of an adjustment but not nearly as difficult as I thought it would be. Peanut doesn't remember ever having to listen to two adults in the house. The Gentleman has never lived with anyone. I've lived alone for the last two years and forgot what it's like to do someone else's laundry. (If that's the biggest adjustment I need to make, then I'm doing pretty good.) Honestly, everything has been great.
As great as it's been, I still have my moments of second-guessing. There's no reason for me to second-guess anything but it's just my nature. I sometimes wonder if I should have moved without finding a new job. The commute to my old job was entirely too far but I wanted Peanut to start at his new school right away...I think it would been much harder on him had he transferred once the school year began. The Gentleman assures me that everything will be okay financially and it has been.
I also second-guess if I should have moved in without at least being engaged first. This is my own issue because of how I grew up. My mom and I lived with her boyfriend for 10 years. He had promised to marry her and never did. However, I need to realize that just because that happened to someone else, it won't happen to me. But I still have that nagging feeling of "what if it does?" There's nothing I can do to get rid of that little voice and I think it will always be there until the Gentleman does propose. It's an awful feeling to have though. The Gentleman has never given any indication that he won't marry me. In fact, it's just the opposite. We've talked about our future numerous times. I believe every word he says to me but there will always be a tiny part of me that keeps my guard up because that's what I do. I know it's not right and I know I need to just have faith about it.
I think about all the second-guessing that I do and I realize it's not because I'm scared of the future. I'm scared of repeating my past. I have to realize that this time is different. Everything is different. Not just my relationship but the relationship I see between Peanut and the Gentleman. They are amazing together. The way they sit together while watching TV. The conversations between them. The way Peanut always wants to help the Gentleman with something around the house. By no means does the Gentleman try to replace Peanut's dad but their interaction is just much different. The Gentleman is this wonderful extra person in Peanut's life and I am so lucky to have them both in mine.
I know I need to stop the second-guessing because there's no reason for it. Everything happens for a reason and everything is happening just as it should be. Every relationship that the Gentleman and I have been through before happened so we could be together. Every mistake we ever made happened with someone else so we couldn't make it in our relationship. And every moment that hasn't happened yet...it will happen so we have our own special moments together.
I shouldn't waste my time second-guessing because I've been given something very special. A second chance in my life and I want to enjoy every moment of it.