At 24, I was planning what I thought was my dream wedding. I was so consumed by picking the right flowers and making sure the DJ would play music I liked. Peanut's dad was like most groom-to-bes and let me handle the details.
I think I should have focused more on the idea of marriage instead of the idea of a wedding.
Yes, it was a beautiful wedding. Yes, people had a lot of fun. And yes, we enjoyed ourselves tremendously. However, looking back at it...I think I was more in love with the idea of getting married than in love with my husband.
I've watched my wedding video a million times and one thing has always bothered me. There's a part of the video where we are exiting the car and entering the reception hall. Peanut's dad walked in first and didn't hold the door for me. I had to hold the door open while carrying a bouquet in one hand and the train of my gown in the other. This might seem silly to you but every time I have viewed this scene, I think to myself "what kind of man doesn't hold a door open? And what kind of man doesn't do this on his wedding day?" At the time it bothered me but not to the extreme that it does today. At the time, I kept thinking how my timeline was in fact happening.
We went on a wonderful honeymoon on the other side of the Atlantic. Even looking back at that, I realize it wasn't as it should have been. We didn't get to go to any of the romantic dinners I envisioned, we didn't even have sex every night. This was actually our first vacation together aside from a brief weekend at a water park.
Upon our return, life went back to normal. I found myself with a lot of free time since I wasn't planning a wedding. Now what could I start to plan for?
A baby seemed like a really great idea. After all, I had to get a move on this timeline. I approached Peanut's dad with the idea.
He never really agreed to it but never disagreed either. Two months after our wedding, I stopped taking birth control. I thought it would be easy...just have a lot of sex and I would become pregnant. I never thought it would take almost a year. I was obviously upset...I questioned God quite a bit. Now I know that irregular cycles coupled with irregular sex makes it a bit hard to conceive. 13 months after my wedding day, I finally saw the pink line on the home pregnancy test. I was ecstatic and so was Peanut's dad.
Once the realization that we were going to be parents set in, so did the arguments.
My first wedding was the same...I asked my ex-husband to write his vows...I wrote mine...we get to the ceremony...he wrote no vows. I recited mine followed by an awkward silence...and then the ceremony continued on. Same deal. I look back now and think WTF. What kind of love or wedding is that!?!?! If we could only have helped our poor misguided younger self!
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